The Hit Formula

ADHURS…..

I saw this telugu movie some time back and had planned to write a review, but courtesy my laziness, the film completed its journey through the box office and is all set to enter the idiot bo( when the producers feel they have milked the cow enough…they send the movie to the idiot box for slaughter) but inspired by that movie and scores of other similar movies, I was able to devise a general formula for an average tollywood hit

Hit = K * (Skin² *Song*Action) ÷(hero blood*sister rape*mother dialogue)

K = Constant for that hero

Skin = Cleavage + Belly button + legs

Song = Song with loads of cleavage, belly button, legs , bosom jerks and ass gyrations

Action = fight scenes where Tyson would get an inferiority complex and Neo of matrix fame could take a few pointers

Hero blood = number of liters of blood the hero loses from his body( normally 68litres…anything more than 100 is a strict no-no)

Sister rape = sister rape ( sheesh…sadist guys…expecting me to elaborate)

Mother dialogue = that “go son save your dad , family honour, president, world,etc and oh on the way back get some milk too” dialogue

Along with this there are some general rules that are to be followed

1. There should be at least two heroines….infact the number of heroines are directly proportional to the age of the hero

2. waist of the heroine is inversely proportional to the waist of the hero

3. India being a monogamous society, hence dictates that all but one heroine will die as soon as they convey their undying love for the hero.

4. Any character who says they are afraid of dying will die in the next scene….usually its some kid sister/buddy who gets the hero heroine together and couldn’t save the heroine from getting kidnapped

5. All laws of physics are not applicable to any of the vehicles in a chase scene…e.g. hero can make a car jump over a train by pulling the steering wheel ( I could do that with my bicycle when I was a kid) or ambassador cars and tata sumos can fly without any wings

6. One bullet in hero’s gun is equivalent to 9920 bullets in the villains gun

7. None of the bullet wounds to a hero are fatal, while the villain( with six bullets in his heart) gets one last chance to shoot the hero( here attempt to shoot only) or conk off the extra heroine to satisfy rule three

8. The hero and heroine can teleport to any location in the world….usually from a jungle when chased by some 100 odd goons and start singing and dancing in designer clothes which change every 9 seconds.

9. There shall be minimum 6 songs in a movie as below

a. Song 1 – carefree happy college fest/ extra fast aerobics song

b. Song 2 – hero chasing heroine song

c. Song 3 – extra heroine fantasizing about hero song( if more than one extra heroine…they can either be clubbed in the same song or given extra songs)

d. Song 4 – heroine missing hero sad song

e. Song 5 – hero and heroine substituting song in lieu of sex when being chased by 100 odd goons in jungle

f. Song 6 – item song which the villain enjoys just before getting bashed up

10. If hero is a policeman, he will not solve the case/ capture the villain till he is suspended, if villain is a policeman then he will die in his uniform

11. Any animal featured in the movie will get to play a pivotal role…like delivering letters, helping the hero escape from prison etc

12. Nothing good can happen to the hero till the last half hour of the movie

13. Any twin have to be separated at birth and will meet only in the last half hour of the movie( even though they live in the same locality creating confusion to everyone from villain to heroine to sidekick)

14. No heroine gets raped…. no matter how hard the villain tries. Only extra heroines and hero’s sisters get raped

15. All movie storylines are works of originality. Any resemblance to any Hollywood/Bollywood/Tollywood movie is either purely coincidental or copied by the other movie producer.

Ashtey….I can probably go on and on….but then I have to leave enough for a sequel. Actually I got bored by the 11^th rule…managed to stretch things till number 15. May be if people like this I will dredge up some more( hint hint….leave a comment to keep me going)

John Grisham - Ford County

What a joke sirjee

Wow a new Grisham….Should I buy it? What a stupid question right, for any self respecting book lover I am sure even the momentary pause before picking up the book from the stand and adding it to your trolley bag would be considered sacrilege. But I had other restrictions…a couple of books I had enthusiastically bought a few weeks back were still waiting for me, and I had resolved ( ya ya in true new year spirit) that I wouldn’t buy any more books till I finished them. “That resolution is only for nonfiction books (which the two were) so I can buy a fiction one and that too a Grisham….” My internal dialogue continued and soon I was trudging back to my room with more than a couple of books…obviously buying only one book is a sin.

My girlfriend went boom “What!!!! You bought four books?? I thought you said you wanted to cut down on your expenses…that’s what you meant when you said No more Mainland China and Little Italy right?” (Well actually being a couple of years into a relationship I thought I could get away with such a statement)

So after much more such road humps I got to read the book (sometimes this makes me wonder whether the universe conspiring to direct one towards a course of action thingie from alchemist was at work here) Now the book is a compilation of short stories set in Ford County, I was salivating in the expectation that Grisham would live up to his reputation as a thriller something like Archer and Forsythe short stories. Much to my disappointment, the stories were extremely bland and frustrating. The twist in each tale was that there was no twist in the tale, Grisham will be going “HA! Gotcha there you suckers” I read through the entire book looking for some salvation but that wasn’t to happen. The story goes like a narrative, each with a thriller potential but be disappointed my friends be very disappointed. The stories go something like ‘he went to the market, bought vegetables and came back’ straightforward and bland. The book has absolutely nothing in it and personally it wouldn’t merit even the fifty bucks for a pirated copy (and I got mine from Crossword…that means 300 bucks down the drain….ah the price for being a book lover).

Now some might argue “Hey try to appreciate the flavor, he is trying to portray the life of common people, event which never come to light” but puhleeeaze…… does anyone read a Grisham for such stuff? The Grisham website says “Featuring a cast of characters you’ll never forget, these stories bring Ford County to vivid and colorful life. Often hilarious, frequently moving, and always entertaining, this collection makes it abundantly clear why John Grisham is our most popular storyteller.” My take on this is “ hey Grisham…we like you best in the courtroom dude, please don’t try any other shit and take us loyal readers for granted”

I give this book half a star out of five (the half star for the name John Grisham on the cover only)

De gaddi De Doodh ki dukaan part thoo

I apologize to no one for the delay in following up on my motorcycle diary ( he he he simply because I don’t think anyone other than me has read it). Now the reason for my “Rip Van Vinklish” writing skills to awaken is that recently while looking into my laptop bag, I found in one of its numerous zip pockets my pocket book wherein I had jotted down the entire journey. I had originally planned to give a kilometer by kilometer account, but midway realized

my odometer was probably not functional and hence am sticking to the general story. So here goes the account

Day 1

Started off from Symbiosis Boys hostel at 6:10 after having spent half an hour packing and loading all my baggage onto the bike. I didn’t want to be a character out of Hanzel and Gretel leaving behind me a trail of my belongings. This was my first long trip and I was alone too, I was sent off by Kaka, our hostel security guard and was soon thumping my way towards the Pune-Bangalore highway. Had to stop half an hour later to rearrange my luggage, my laptop bag was already making my back sore….not a good sign just starting into the journey. With some brainstorming I managed to rearrange the luggage more conveniently and was soon belting it out into the highway after Katraj.

Lesson 1 : Try to avoid carrying any weight on self, it will be a lot better to put all the weight evenly on the bike and ride freely.

By 900hrs I was getting into a nice rhythm and had also started looking around, noticing a few hotels along the highway, decided I was hungry and needed to stop for breakfast. 10Km short of Karad, I had a tasty breakfast of Idlys and tea. My bike and me were already inviting stares from others and I really felt

good. The road was awesome and I was never a speed guy, so at steady speeds of 70KMPH I was really feeling relaxed and elated. Some deficiencies were that my music player conked off and hence had to depend on myself for some background entertainment.

Lesson 2 : Keep some good music for entertainment, a mix of different songs…then you can actually sing out aloud without scaring anyone.

At 1230hrs I found myself in front of KLES Medical college calling my friend Guru, who is an associate professor in Forensic Medicine in Belgaum Medical college. Dumped my luggage at his pad and after a good lunch, we were soon catching up on each other. I had decided to halt for the day though I was feeling really fresh even after the 336 km ride. This was officially my longest ride in one day, my previous long ride being 250km from Aurangabad to Pune.

Day 2

Day 2, I started off early by 0545hrs thanks to my friend who woke me up ( else there would be no way me waking so early) This time there were no hassles in packing my luggage onto my bike. The road, being part of the Golden Quadrilateral was smooth, wide and relaxing to ride. Today’s stretch was 500km and would be my personal record for longest ride. 7 km short of Dharwad filled 10lts of petrol. My bike was giving me an amazing mileage (close to 45KMPL). I had breakfast just after Davangere, it was amazingly cheap ( Rs 12 for a plate of three Kerala Parotas). By 1230hrs I was starting to get bored, the roads were empty, straight and I was tired of my mental monologue. Also I had this burning sensation on my arms ( turned out to be a good case of sunburn)

Lesson 3 : Travelling with some company would be nice

Lesson 4: Take adequate sun protection, I was peeling skin off my arms for almost 10 days after the ride.

Lesson 5: lesson 2 revisited…music would be nice accompaniment.

By 1330hrs I was in Tumkur and decided to visit my college. Stopped on the outskirts for some tender coconut…oh it was damn refreshing. A couple of people asked me from where I was travelling and were amazed that I had reached here from Belgaum so soon ( and still I wasn’t overspeeding). In Tumkur, I caught up with few of my friends who were professors in our medical college. I was a bit exhausted and wanted to reach home as soon as possible, and hence without lingering too much started off to Bangalore. I started at 1500hrs and by 1630hrs was at Yeshwantpur ( did stop for a loo break and some petrol). It took me another two hrs to negotiate the Bangalore city traffic and reach home ( it had begun to rain also and the roads were a mess) Reached home exhausted but elated. I had done it. My bike had performed flawlessly and I had only consumed 22lts of petrol for the entire journey. This had worked out a lot cheaper than I expected.

As I look back on the trip I wish I had been more adventurous and had visited more places, I wish I took more pictures, for that I realized I needed to keep my camera handy, keeping it in the bag proved too time consuming where I had to stop, take the camera out click and then put it back, restart the bike. More often than not, while I was riding, by the time I debated to stop for a pic, I would have already crossed the place and would have had to turn back for a picture. I wish I had researched more on the route so that I could have visited some places rather than sticking to the road. But considering this was my first ride I am proud of it and happy I did it. As my enthusiasm for more such ride builds up, I have decided to make the trip more memorable than just feel good that I had made the trip.

de gaddi doodh ki dukaan ( translated = the motorcycle diary)

To the veteran bulleteers it might seem a simple enough endeavour, but for me it was a big deal riding from Pune to Bengaluru. When i bought my bullet the previous owner instilled in me vivid fantasies of riding the length and breadth of the country, a desi motorcyle diary ishtyle. I even bought matching goggles in anticipation. But like most other things in my life the dreams ended as soon as someone woke me up. This time i had to move back to Bengaluru for my summer internship in Narayana Hrudayalaya. a good two and half months and it was simply unthinkable that i stay away from my darling for so long. So having decided to ride down, i got lots of encouragement " are you crazy?( girlfriend), iss garmi mei ??...paagal hai ( i cant seem to recall who said that), do what ever you want ( not the happy "do what ever you want" but the exasperated " do what ever you want" courtesy mom) etc etc. So first i went about trying to convince myself. Decided to check out financials - transporting bike from Pune to B'lore by train:-

Railway charges - around Rs 1200/-( to guys who dont believe this...i have an official reciept)

Packing charges - around Rs 300/-

Handling charges( read as greasing palms ) at Pune station - approx Rs 200/- ( 100 for the guy who act as a mediator between the railway official and 100 for the railway official, since the guy was mighty pleased with me he said he would load my bike on the train for free) remember we are talking of a bullet here and hence the inflated charges

Handling charges at B'lore station - approx Rs 150 - Rs 200/-

The total coming up to somewhere around 2000 bucks, and i still had to pay for my own transportation.

So if i were to ride down then :- 

Petrol - approx 900Km, @Rs 50/litre and 25KMPL it would come up to Rs 1800/- and that would include my transportation too. All my two semesters of MBA education kicked in to tell me that it was cheaper to ride down. With the tangible benefits sorted out, the intangibles were the thrill of the ride, the added heroic value among my acquaintances. So it wasn't difficult to convince myself. 

Having decided...i plunged head on into the preparations :-

1) Get bike serviced ( atleast 10 days before the journey)

2) Money

3) Map

4) Food

5) Documents

6) Music

Ok me taking a break......will continue in next post.

Hum bhi hai josh mein ( we are all charged up….an hindi song). That’s exactly how I am feeling now and as a record its been five minutes and I am still able to maintain that enthusiasm. Now in times of “depression” and “recession” let me tell you why I am so. It all started with an article I read on the net about IIM grads beating the recession with their usual crore packages ( though further research came up with exactly opposite articles also). So that got me thinking “ hey whats it that they have got and I havent?” (other than brains….but I was assured by my OB prof to be a successful manager you don’t need brains but need networking skills), so this embarked me on a mission to find out if they probably had things different there and the best way to find out I assumed would be to read their blogs ( something like “confession” series). I did read a few published books also and though just got glimpses into their lives I sure enjoyed them for their humour and philosophical quotient.  So if I were to jump to conclusions at this point of time it will be these :-

1)      All IIM PGPs( that’s what they are classified as) enter the college with awe to be replaced by “ I am here therefore I am” a la Rene’ Descartes.

2)      Most start off with blogs ( I am sure hoping to make a million bucks later on like Chetan Bhagat) but then most  blogs are charecterized by initial deluge replaced by an occasional trickle

3)      Most cant resist a liberal dose of philosophy

4)      IIMs probably have a 3 credit course on How to write your Memoirs in IIM ( that’s just me telling the grapes are sour)

5)      There is no time to sleep in IIM

6)      I will probably never match their writing skills nor will I match their popularity ( mine will definitely be better, more philosophical and more bugging)

After having jumped so much I sit down to try to catch my breath and start penning , in the hope that some day some prospective employer will read my blog, mistake it for that of an IIM and push the decimal a few places to the right while deciding my remuneration.

P.S Drats  @#~`*&#  the site where I had opened my blog is blocked

Dear A***** ***********

This is a message from the IT Department. 

The web site you are trying to access: 
macroabouteverything.blogspot.com/
is listed as a site within the category BlockCatogories

Current Internet Access Configuration does not allow you to visit sites within this category at this time.

HURRAH SUCCESS AT LAST

macro about everything

Hi ! as i came out of an closed environment ( in the army) i realised that i was frozen in the time zone of last century. Then i was proud i had three email IDs, now , in the present world i definitely feel outdated. no more are emails 'in'.....its "are you on orkut?" and whats your blog?Now a blog was an alien stuff for me....what will i write? who will read?will i match the standards of a few of my friends blog?and how do i open one? so having sucessfully covered one base i guess i will cover the others in time.
So heres to my first blog.......CHEERS